Situation at the Stampede

It was only right to set things straight with a few of my contacts across the continent with a small press release on my condition. You may hear some alarming statements uttered in back rooms by people smoking nervously and saying, “Jeffrey Bone was stabbed! The Lebanese independence army freedom fighters moved in on the poor bastard and stabbed him in the back with a double edged ice pick!” So I want to clarify the following facts. It will be in third person as this is a press release:

-Jeffrey Bone was stabbed by an unidentified Lebanese male between the age of 18-25, approximately 5′7-5′9, and 155- 175 pounds on Friday night outside the Calgary stampede.

- Jeffrey was present at the grounds in a luxury box with his associates and brothers betting heavily on chuck wagon races and by all accounts was cleaning the pockets of rich white men.

-Jeffrey left the box around 10pm with copious amounts of Glenfidick contained in 6 large plastic cups, which he acquired through tipping the server a 20 before exiting.

-After consuming the said liquor with his associates Jeffrey Bone proceeded to run through fun houses and hijack rides, which he refused to pay for or wait in line. In fact when he was questioned several times by ride operators and asked to pay- him and his associates laughed wildly, and eventually the operators had no choice but to admit them on the rides. At one point as Jeffrey raced through a house of mirrors a stampede security agent chased after him as Jeffrey yelled, “fuck you G-man, I can run and hide!”

-          Eventually Jeffrey and his entourage left for elbow river casino to play 4-8 Texas holdem. It was at this time Jeffrey encountered the suspect destroying city property. Jeffrey is an advocate of city rejuvenation and respect so insisted the individual apologize and fuck off immediately before further incident occurred. The individual did not respect Jeffrey’s request, so Jeffrey kicked him in the backside with his cowboy boot and said, “Get.” The individual respected Jeffrey’s request this time, and left the vicinity, however the individual returned with a weapon because the prospect of actually fighting Dr. Bone was too intimating for the frightened jailbait sodomite. Therefore a few minutes later Jeffrey Bone was struck in the lower back with a weapon, without even having a fair chance to see his attacker from the front or side.

-           The suspect made a run for it. Dr. Bone not realizing he was stabbed and instead believing himself just to be kicked, turned around and ran after the individual demanding repentance and yelling “a hit and run, what the fuck are you? A Communist! You get the fuck back here and fight like a Roman- to the end. You worship a false messiah with these values.” The individual continued to run in fear. Now for some reason, Dr. Bone believed (and his associates) that the liquid on his jeans was water tossed by the offending individual, and then eventually thinking it was slime, and then eventually Dr. Bone said, “I think those fuckers threw blood on me.” The associates said, “yeah, I think those Lebanese punks threw a pint of blood on you.” Of course things are hazy when you have been jugging Glenfidick at the greatest outdoor show on earth for countless hours.

-          Once at the casino, the doorman informed Dr. Bone his jeans and cowboy boats and even belt buckle was heavily soaked in his own blood, and an ambulance was summoned and Jeffrey was strapped to a spinal board. Later on at the hospital, news was good, after a c-scan, it was determined Dr. Bone could leave with stitches as the damage was confined to flesh wounds, the wounds are two fold, and on his lower back. No Kidney or spinal damages whatsoever.

Dr. Bone personal note: need to borrow a quote from HST:  “ Okay- I am deep im dept to those of your who suffered through the hellbroth of lost sleep and character testing that accompanied my recent attempt to come down from the mountains and live and even  vaguely like a normal, middle aged, middle class, criminally inclined, smart urban male, with a job and a few habits (ask Nichole for details).” Many of you are the keepers of my secrets, and are knowable in my affairs, and so it makes sense you are the people I reach out too after I get…well, knifed by murderous whores who fuck with my city.  So to those of you who I have enjoyed no human or legal congress with for sometime time please stop by my weird and infamous camp in central Alberta. It is a nice headquarters (#4038875757), a suitable place to invite my best and most trustworthy friends for a drink, from time to time. You are all good people, the best minds of our generations, and I will keep you out of jail if necessary, or help you fuck with the Edmonton police service when cruel pathetic cops power trip with handcuffs and cheap sucker punches. (Sidebar: Hunter (T.Boorman) I am with you on this one, and to others in my Edmonton circle, for reasons of sloth and dumbness no doubt, I have not been up during my four month hiatus in Alberta yet, but I will get shit in gear ASAP and load up the Taurus).
 It is important for you to know that I am of course still in excellent condition. Someone in my line of work and hobbies is bound to be stabbed once or so. And of course there should be no doubt that if I bleed awhile, I will get up and walk away relatively unscathed. The great sorcerer makes sure of such things; after all, I am a professional. So never have concern to worry for me. Naturally I am back at work this week, did you expect any less? So if you hear rumors about Lebanese freedom fighters and pussy gangster trying to take out Dr. Bone, know that the parts of the stories involving fast chuck wagon horses, good scotch, fine women, and general lawlessness is all true, but the political implications of the tale is most likely urban legend. I hope this press release clarifies things. End transmission.